Chapter I
From my first remembrance I had serious reflections on futurity. My parents being of Methodist faith and hearing them talk about it, I had impressions on my mind that I shall never forget. When about seven years of age I was taken sick with the inflammatory rheumatics; it passed from my feet to my finger ends in every joint; it left me in very poor health, and shortly after I was taken with what the doctor called an impostume on my leg, and after it began to mend I took the dropsy in my left eye; it was swollen for thirteen days so that the sight could not be seen, and when I could open it they said it looked like a hog's eye after it had been scalded, and the doctor said it would be difficult to save.

From that time until I was in my twentieth year I had twelve hard attacks of the rheumatics, it taking me at least once a year and sometimes twice, in the spring and fall. During this time I came near being killed three different times by being thrown from horses and once by a large frame cart falling on me, which caused the rheumatics to return on me. When in my nineteenth year, pain fell in my left side and my left arm and thigh and leg began to shrink and fail me so that I began to think that I should lose the use of that side altogether. I was so reduced that my mother could carry me from one room to another with ease, in her arms, but through the means used, the Lord began to restore my limbs again so that when I was twenty-two years of age I was getting better than ever I expected to be.

I was able to labor at light work. During the last attack I began to have serious reflections at times about my future existence and I often thought what the Lord wanted of such a being as me upon the earth and I desired either to have my health restored and become like other boys at my age or die, for I did not like to live in that way. Notwithstanding the sickness and trials I had to pass through, I grew very fast. I stood six feet when at the age of twenty-two. When in my twenty-first year [c. 1829] there was a great revival among the different sects of all denominations - as great an excitement as I ever saw, and I went to the meetings with my comrades and tried to learn the ways of the Lord, but could not see that there was any chance for me, and began to be concerned deeply. There was a Methodist camp meeting that I concluded to go to and thought if there was such a thing as religion I would seek after it and get it if I could. While at this meeting, which lasted three or four days, most all my companions and associates professed a remission of their sins and I left alone. That made me feel worse than ever; they tried to get me to go to the mourner's bench, but I was too stubborn for that, but I made up my mind if there was such a thing as religion, I would have it and keep it as my own property, letting no one know it.

The meeting broke up and we all started home, all rejoicing but myself. I felt miserable going with them and had to pass the house of whom three of the youths belonged who were rejoicing. When they met their mother who was a pious Presbyterian, there was a shout almost equal to the camp meeting; it made me feel still worse to see them so happy and I could not feel so. They all got in the house and I tarried out for a while and finally concluded to stiffen myself up and keep them from knowing there was anything the matter with me, determined at the same time if there was such a thing as religion to find it and keep it to myself. I started in the house when they were still shouting and when crossing the room there was a power came on me that threw me to the ground and every nerve in me seemed to be numb, and my hands cramped and the first thing I knew I cried for the Lord to have mercy upon me. I thought now they all had found out that I was seeking religion and that made me feel very mean. I lay there for some six hours, but I did not think it more than one. I felt calm when I first arose, but it was not long until darkness and the same bad feeling came back to me again.

Meetings now were very common and I attended them and when there was a call for the mourners I would go not thinking it would do me any good but I thought that by my going forward it might cause someone to go that it would be good for. I continued going for some time until I really thought that it was a sin and a shame for such a one as I to ask them to pray for me. I stopped going to the mourner's bench but continued to go to meetings and one Sunday at class meeting, I felt awful and had for some time. The class leader asked me how I felt. I told him that I felt bad. He talked to me and tried to encourage me all he could but to no purpose. I sat there thinking of my condition. I seemed to have a view of myself; I thought I could see every sin I ever committed and while in this condition I felt as though my seat was sinking from under me all at once. Thus I felt with all my soul to call upon the Lord God to forgive me, a sinner, and all of an instant the burden left me and I felt to rejoice for a minute or two. Then I stopped to think what such a change meant. I thought, is this religion? There was a voice which whispered to me and said, "You have yet to preach the gospel to the world." That struck a damper on my feelings and my enjoyment stopped, though I did not feel the same heavy burden that I felt before.

I that day gave my hand to the Methodist on trial and from that time began to search the scriptures for myself and began to think at what society I would settle down to join permanent, for during my searching the scriptures I decided baptism by immersion was right. The Methodists did not like for me to leave them, and said I had got a hope among them and I should stay with them. My parents desiring much for me to stay with them in the same church, it looked well for all the same family to go to the same church, but baptism by immersion seemed right to me though I had been christened when a child, and the Methodist would not baptize the second time. By this time a few months had passed over and the revival stopped, and the different sects began to contend about dividing the converts and about their authority, the true order of the church, etc. I went to hear all and said but little, read the scriptures and prayed most ardently to know the right way. My troubles increased as I saw so much division and strife and one would rise up and say he was called of God to preach the gospel, and point out his tenets saying this is the way, walk in it! And another would rise up saying he was called of God and this is the way, etc. through them all, all pointing different ways. This made me think more seriously than ever and search the scriptures and pray to know the right way.

My mind became more dark and began to fall somewhat into distaste. Principals and that voice that spoke to me when in class meeting had weighed heavily on my mind, but the thought of attempting to hold forth any doctrine of the different sects, I could not think of doing it, for I saw clearly the one who was the best read and the best orator could whip out the rest, and then someone else would come along and put him down, and so it went on, all in confusion. I said in my heart it could not be of God. My mind was still troubled about preaching the gospel. I said and covenanted in my heart when I could come to know the true order I would stand up for it, and even lay down my life if necessary for the truth as it existed in heaven, or the true order of his kingdom.

About this time there were singular solemn feelings that came to me, generally in the forepart of the day from seven until nine o'clock, my spirits would be troubled so that I could not labor and could not get rid of it without talking about religion and caused me to begin to try to speak in meeting, but it would return on me again and again and nothing would relieve me but to empty out my feelings.

This is as well as I can recollect the state of things in the year 1828; when this trouble would come on, it felt to me there was something in the east that I was looking for. I thought of the Jews who looked for the Son of Man coming from the east, etc. This trouble seemed to increase on me and I was talking of my troubles to anyone that I had a chance to talk to. The Baptists said that the Lord intended that I should preach the gospel and would chastise me until I would obey, and further, I would have to preach predestination doctrine for that was the only truth that did exist. Well, my mind was still to be baptized by immersion and my father, being anxious for me to stop with him in the Methodist church went fifteen or twenty miles to get a Methodist priest who would immerse some five or six that desired it, and when it was attended to, the Methodist came to see it and made all manner of fun and game of us possible; that hurt my feelings to see those professing to be saints make light of the commandments of God, and finally concluded that I would not live with a people that would do so and went to the Baptists and was baptized again, telling them at the same time that I did not believe one word of their predestination doctrine as held forth by them, but as they valued baptism by immersion, but, when that was all done I still felt no better in spirits. The Baptists would say to me that God would chastise me until I would preach the gospel according to their faith that I could not believe, but still in trouble I felt all the time that I was willing to search and scriptures and praying to know what to do. I found many things in the scriptures that proved a true order of things anciently, apostles, the various gifts, etc., but I could not connect anything together to satisfy my mind and it all looked like a mess of confusion.